Light Ice Cream, With Added Steath

ATTENTION, PURVEYORS OF ICE CREAM:

When making a light version of your ice cream, you need to make that clear in no uncertain terms.

The following is unacceptable.



When buying ice cream, I have most likely already made the decision that I value taste more than nutrition or fat content. So when choosing a flavor, I want it made clear on the packaging in no uncertain terms which one is the watered down fat reduced nonsense, and which is the real deal.

Print "Pansy-Assed Ice Cream for Fatties Counting Calories" or just make a flavor called "Mediocre Crunch", I don't care. but the small print off to the side and the bottom just doesn't cut it.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Like Brain Surgery, But With Less Fluids

"You should just build your own computer. It'll save you a bunch of money."

"Build it from Scratch, you'll get exactly what you want that way."

"Pre-built computers are for soccer moms and the technically illiterate. Build it yourself."

I hear this crap all the time. Building your own computer is not worth the time and trouble it takes to get it to work. Consider the case of Tim Buckley of Ctrl-Alt-Delete. He has a lot of experience with this, and still has a gnarled mass of headaches because of it.

The way I see it, Gearheads are a lot like Hardware Nerds. Gearheads like to rebuild that'64 Shelby Cobra from scratch because it's their idea of a good time. They have the mechanical skill, knowlegde and patience to make their dream a reality. The rest of us can't understand why someone would willingly spend an afternoon covered in grease under an eviscerated car. When they could just go to a dealership, sign some papers, and drive off the lot with a late model vehicle. I'm one of those people just doesn't understand. But the gearhead has a hobby that gives him joy, and would scoff at my hint that the local Chevy dealer is offering 0% financing this month. That's fine.

Alternately, if the gearhead tells me that I should build it from scratch, becuase I can get the exact Gearbox, Engine Block, and exhaust system I wanted, I'd tell him that I just need something that gets from Point A to Point B without exploding or burning too much gas. I don't care who makes the gearbox or pistons, as long as they all work in harmony with each other when I turn the ignition.

Likewise, I don't care much if Intel or AMD makes my processors, as long as they make the Blue Smoke Happy. I'm not particularly concerned what chip set my Graphics accelerator utilizes, as long as it can render the Stubble on a Space Marine's Face while maintaining at least 30 Frames per second, preferably 60. In general, just give me the biggest, fastest, sleekest components that's in my budget, using a recent First Person Shoot game as a benchmark (except for Crysis, which wrecked the curve something awful).

You guys go right ahead and and painstakingly handpick your motherboards, sound cards, and cooling system. Heck, even I'll upgrade memory or insert a PCI card; that's fairly simple. But everything else is fanboy territory as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to build it any further than plugging in the peripherals and power, and pressing the On button.

End Year One of the Western Experience

Early on, I was asked by family to not make direct references to my employers, lest their HR/PR/Marketing Scanbots find this blog and give the company grounds for my termination. I still believe that these fears are unwarranted, but it's better to be safe than sorry, and besides, anyone who Googles "Mountain View WY" and "telephone company" can figure out who I work for. (At least one commenter figured it out with no other information than the Occupation, Industry, and Location listed in my Blogger profile.) So for this post, I'll refer to them as the Onion Phone Company. You all know who I really mean.

I walked through the doors to Onion Telephone on October 15th excited, nervous, and hopeful of my new employer. I've been told by the locals that this was a great company to work for, but one can never tell; they may just want to drag others down into their employee family of misery. thankfully, I learned that everyone was telling the truth, and that I think these are some of the greatest people to work for. Sure, they have at least a few dumb policies and procedures, but that's true of any company you'll work for, and certainly less than my previous employer.

Even people who don't like Onion Telephone Company and may or may not have a legitimate grievance against them, they'll say that the family that runs is are good, honest, friendly folk, and they do right by their people.

The first two months were difficult, not because of coworker conflict or corporate BS, but because I was a bit overwhelmed with tasks, most of which I was learning for the first time. 90% of what I do now, I learned on the fly in those first few months. All the way through January, I had awful visions of termination due to incompetence or an epic screw up, and returning to my hometown as a broken and beaten man. After over a year of twiddling my thumbs at my previous employer, I had to get used to having job duties of import, or any job duties at all.

By about February, I had begun to understand how things worked, including our vast database of customers, version control, how our systems worked, and how to fix those systems when they failed. I began to get into a work routine, and relax. I'd receive encouragement and commendations from my supervisors rather than discouragement and condemnations from them.

By the end of the year, I no longer worry about trying to look busy when my Supervisor or Director walk by, because usually, I am actually busy. I don't try to overcompensate to prove my worth, because I know that I add value to the company. They've told me this themselves. I no longer worry about first impressions, because I've already made them, and have done so with great success. Even the few people that are notoriously difficult to get along with, I have a good working relationship with. I guess in short, what I'm trying to say is "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

This April will be what I consider the final test my new job after having been there for 18 months. 18 months was about how long it took my attitude toward my previous position to slide down from "Shiny New Job! WEEEEEEE!!" to "I'm Satisfied" to "I hope I'm not here in 5 years" to "I'm just here for a paycheck". (The slide from "I'm just here for the paycheck" to "I MUST ESCAPE!" happened within the last four months of my previous employment.) Right now I'm still on "I'm Satisfied" level, with no visible end in sight to that.

We're about to undertake the daunting task of choosing and implementing the replacement of Onion's curent customer managment software. This is going to be a HUGE deal, especially when we're working in the shadow of the previously implementation project, which by all accounts was a Dark Time for the department. Me and the two other newest people on our team have been tasked with with creating a Data Warehouse for the company, which is going to be a new experience for all of us. The company is still hiring people left and right, including several openings in the IT department (If any of you want to work in IT while living it up mountain man fabulous, let me know). I'm not going anywhere for the forseeable future, and for once, that fact doesn't cause sadness.

And so ends Year One at Onion Telephone Company. Year two begins now.

Welcome to Mountain View, Wyoming

If you've read my post from a year ago, you might remember that Mountain View has two major features: Cows and Mormons. Several of the employees at my company own a ranch, have a parent or spouse that owns a ranch, or just work on one part time. Heck, even the President of the Company only works part time in the office, spending the rest of his time tending his livestock.

In addition to the cattle, there's a rather heavy Mormon population out here, which is one of the side effects of living two hours away from the LDS Capital of the World, Salt Lake City. Some of them, you can spot a mile away. They just have a... look to them. Others tend to blend in seamlessly, especially the Jack Mormons.

The town is mostly concentrated within one square mile, with more rural homes, ranches, etc within a radius of about 5 miles. We don't really have a downtown area, just an intersection with a Gas Station, an Inn, a subway that was an abandoned Gas Station when I got here, and my Company.

When I arrived here, the weather was unusually nice. a "Nice October" here, is one that stays above freezing. There is about 4 inches of snow on the ground as I type this, and there may be a little more on the way. Back home, we all hoped for a White Christmas; here, we hope to avoid a white Halloween.

Why do I like this town? First of all, for all the canned reasons that everyone likes small towns: Low crime, sense of community, etc. It's impossible to go to the grocery store without seeing someone you know, and my commute went from 12.5 miles, half of it in city traffic, to 1 mile, the majority of which is driving out of my neighborhood.

Love this town, love these people,... miss being close to stuff. But there's always a trade off, right? Here's hoping for another great year of mountain life.

Aniversary Week

One year ago today, I pulled away from the curb and headed West to the Cowboy State.

One year without seeing my closest friends.

One year without a Primanti Brother's Sammich.

One year since I had to rake up leaves out from my Parents' yard. :-)

One year since I've made any reference to someone that needs to pewt down teh oreo crakerz and qwit dooing the saix.

One year since I spent over $100 in a single month on gasoline.

One year since I've spent more than a week at an altitude below 6500 ft .

I pulled into town on October 12th. I'll have more about that on Sunday. What a year.

Your Whiteboard Moment of Zen

Boo!

So I volunteered to help out with the Haunted House that my co-workers have put on for the past few years. and by "Volunteer" I mean had the bad luck to be in the same room as said co-workers while it was being discussed, and they politely informed me that I had been kind enough to volunteer.

I'm sure there will be more details as we get closer to Halloween. (all proceeds go to the Linda K. Woody foundation, which is looking to found a 24-hour Child Care facility in the Bridger Valley.)

The Games I Play

Back in April, I finally bought one of them new-fangled next-gen video game consoles that are all the rage among the kids these days, specifically, a PlayStation 3. After I found out that the cheaper 40GB $400 version of the PS3, which replaced the $600, 60GB version, had the backwards compatibility feature removed, I also purchased a PS2. I guess they were bitter that people weren't buying enough of their overpriced hardware, so they decided to make the newer cheaper one suck a little more, just as a giant "screw you!" to their market.

Anyway, the games I've played so far:

Assassin's Creed: If you buy a PS3, know that it has the most advanced visual capabilities than any other of it's cousins. Therefore, you'll need one Eye Candy game to showcase that feature. This is that game.

Large cities with hundreds of little virtual people walking about, some rabble rousing, some beg for coins intrusively, some are mentally ill and belligerent, some pimping their wares at storefronts, and others are soldiers that will attack you if you engage in activities that are anti-social. Like killing people. They frown on that.

The buildings are large and beautifully rendered, and serve as monkey bars for you to climb on. The attention to detail in how your character climbs seamlessly up cathedrals and castles is incredible, especially when you finish off a climb with the incredible Leap of Faith. Watching Altair jump off a building from hundreds of feet into a hay filled cart just doesn't get old, at least not for a while.

The visuals are important because you'll need something pretty to look at in order to distract you from how shallow the actual game play is. Ben "Yahtzee" Crosshaw summed the whole thing nicely in one of the few reviews of his that I wholeheartedly agree with (warning: Yahtzee works Blue!), but in summation, game play is repetitive, the fighting is oversimplified, in the first half of the game, and for a game that has "Assassin" in the title, there's woefully few actual Assassinations. It's worth playing through once, but it has zero replay value.

The Orange Box: Let me tells you, I love me some Half-Life. I think it's because the Protagonist, Gordon Freeman, is what all nerds secretly want to be. He's an Uber-Nerd with a PhD in Hypothetical Physics, who accidentally opened a portal to another dimension through which hostile alien life forms immediately poured through, at which point he begins hacking and shooting through all of them, as well as the military task force sent to destroy the aliens and silence all of Gordon's colleagues.

What part of that description does not sound awesome?

Also in the Orange Box is Team Fortress 2, which, until it's release, was the only game in production that could compare with the Vaporware status of Duke Nukem Forever (Still waiting for that one!) It's typical capture the flag gameplay with nine unique feeling, and yet balanced classes. As for the tone of the game, just watch the "Meet the _____" movies here. Amusing.

And last but not least, Portal. There's nothing I can do to praise this game more than the rest of the Internet has, so for those few who still haven't heard of this game (probably limited to my parents) here's the trailer that dropped my jaw the first time I saw it.

Devil May Cry 4: This series is notorious for being incredibly difficult, but I think they got the difficulty curve adjusted just right this time. Combat is entertaining, especially when you see how many times you can slash/stab/shoot/slam an enemy in the air before you touch the ground. The story is... well, who cares. Swordplay, Magic Demon Arm of Justice, and general badassery abound. It just feels satisfying.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma: What is the most deadly enemy an Ninja can face? Dragons? Samurai? Pirates? No, the most deadly enemy a Ninja can battle, at least in this game, is Bad Camera Angles. Nothing is more fatal to the protagonist than a viewpoint that simply refuses to show the person that is jamming a katana up your behind. Devil May Cry's Camera issues were sightly annoying, at worst, and they ironed most of them out after the first game. This game just refuses to cooperate at all. I stopped playing it at the end of the second level. It's just not worth my time.

That's all for now. next time, PS2 games!

More Movies

Crank: Jason Stantham is a pleasure to watch, as always. He's a hitman trying to get out of the bloodmoney business when he wakes up poisoned with a plot device- er, I mean chemical that can be inhibited by keeping your adrenaline levels up. What are the best ways to do this when you have no time to arrange a bungee jump or skydive? Well, if you are like our protagonist, you could start a fight with a bunch of rough looking black men, have sex with your girlfriend at the side of a busy city street, or break into a hospital and demand epinephrine syringes. The options are varied, and hilarious!

Talladega Nights: Will Farell as a Redneck stock car Racer and Sacha Baron Cohen as a Gay Frenchman. As funny as it sounds.

The Transporter 2: More Stantham! Hooray! Quick! How do you dislocate a bomb attached to the under carriage of your car, with seconds left before it detonates? By gunning it up an uneven ramp, causing your car to spiral like a well thrown football, and at the precise moment your car has torqued 180 degrees, the crane, which is conveniently hanging from juuuuust the right spot, dislodges it. I know it's a popcorn action film, but this was still a violation of the Tier of Suspension of Disbelief that I had previously mentioned in my Stardust blurb. Then again, it was friggin' awesome, so I'll let that slide, I suppose.

Reservoir Dogs: A Tarentino Classic that I haven't gotten around to seeing until now. Pretty much what you'd expect from him: It opens with people talking about nothing in a Seinfeld kind of way, then quickly transitions to violence.

The Brother's Grimm: The Brother's investigate the disappearance of little girls from a village in France-occupied Germany. A bit creepy during a few of the abduction scenes, but other than that, a bit too disjointed to be really entertaining. Bonus: It will make you hate the French even more. Seriously.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: I like Guy Richie films. It's something about watching inner city Brits plotting how to pull off some simple criminal activity hoping for a big payout, only to have it foiled by their own incompetence, the unexpected rash of logical thinking by their inept prey, and the miscalculated retribution from the party that's bankrolling either side. All of which is broken up by a few anecdotes and a plethora of F-Bombs now and then. Oh, did I mention Jason Stantham?

Super Troopers: An amusing flick, damaged only by the needless addition of a plot. Listen guys, this is not a movie where you need rich storytelling. We need more Highway Patrol antics, like screwing with the heads of a car full of stoners, or saying "meow" as many times as you can during a traffic stop while speaking in a Mississippi accent. That's crack-up material right there.

Grubbin' With Fuzzy - Alfredo Sauce

Before my culinary adventures began, I thought that alfredo sauce was the stuff found in the boat after Michael had his brother killed.

Just a reminder on statute of limitations on movie spoilers: Godfather Part II move came out in the late 70's, so If you haven't seen it by now, you don't deserve a surprise ending.

Anyway, the ingredients for alfredo sauce are even fewer than regular cheese sauce: butter, cream, one smashed clove of garlic, and Parmesan Cheese.

I figured the cheese sauce I used for macaroni and cheese was just flour, butter, milk, and cheese so I could just replace the cheddar with Parmesan, and it would be fine. We'll it doesn't quite work that way.

The taste was fine, but the texture was a little grainy due to the flour. Today I finally broke down and bought some actual cream for that authentic heart-attack-on-a-plate taste, as the CSPI weenies like to call it. Also, a word about grating Parmesan cheese. I grated Parmesan with a box grater once before I put one of these little crank grinders on my shopping list. Parmesan is some HARD stuff to grind by hand. I don't recommend it.

So the second time around, it turned out better, and it was added to some penne pasta, broccoli, and chicken breast.

(Fuzzy gains 250XP for the successful execution of alfredo!)