Fuzzy and The Four M's

Originally, I had considered saving this post for Valentine's Day, but Sarah, an acquaintance from the other side of the cowboy state that I've never met (new blogroll addition!) has had a poor experience recently in the realm of potential relationships, and now seemed appropriate. Besides, only hipsters and emo-kids would post something of this tone on V-Day, so it's probably best that I don't go that route. My friends that I have left behind in my exile have already heard this straight from my mouth, but It's long past time I put in in writing.

My parents, my friends, and just about my entire family all ask me the same thing when they ask about my new Wyoming lifestyle: "What are the women like up there?" or "Have you found a girlfriend yet?" This is when I tell them about The Four M's.

The Four M's are four traits of All of the women in Southwestern Wyoming. These traits make any pontential relationship a deal breaker. Some fall under more than one, a few others fall under all four, but ALL of them, as far as I can tell, fall under at least one. They are:

1. Married - You're sweet, you're wonderful, you're attractive! We enjoy the same things, like the same music, you're- wearing a ring on your finger... sigh.
2. Mothers - I don't like to label all single mothers this way, but statistically, you're carrying some baggage from a previous relationship, not to mention another responsibility. Maybe it's my own self-centered ego talking, but I'm not ready to jump into a prefabricated family, and any romantic attention directed at me makes me suspect that you're looking for a new instrument of breadwinning, not a serious loving relationship. Maybe it's not you, but me, but that doesn't move you out from the stigma of the 2nd M.
3. Minors - I'm 28 years old. Looking towards the local high school as a dating pool seems to make people want to call the police. Can't say I blame them. High school kids are also emotionally immature as well, so it's a moot point. I'll pass.
   
4. Mormon - I'm not going on a tangent here about Mormon doctrine and beliefs right now, so I'll just leave it at this: If your religion explicitly forbids coffee, then I want nothing to do with your religion. That is all.

Much like the Beatles, this group has an unofficial 5th member. Even if someone dodges the odds, along with the 4 M's listed above, they will always without fail fall under the 5th M:

• Mnuts - (The 'M' is silent in this case.)

So that's why I don't see my singleness ending anytime in the near future. But you know what? I'm just fine with that. I know and have known friends that have almost a symbiosis with being in a relationship. It's almost as they think of a relationship as a litmus test of their self worth. I've always thought it was pretty sad myself. Sarah looks like she's recently come to terms with that, and I'm happy for her.

Sometimes, I think it might be nice to meet that Someone that will change my life. I consider getting back into the Game... then suddenly, one of my friends' relationships will crater, complete with acrid smoke and jagged emotions. This is when I take a breath, think "Glad that's not me!" and return back into a state of blissful singleness. I'm having fun, because I knew it all along, that I'd be better off without you.

HEY! That's a song cue if I ever heard one! Bring on the Clarks!