Monday, January 12, 2009

Fuzzy and The Four M's

Originally, I had considered saving this post for Valentine's Day, but Sarah, an acquaintance from the other side of the cowboy state that I've never met (new blogroll addition!) has had a poor experience recently in the realm of potential relationships, and now seemed appropriate. Besides, only hipsters and emo-kids would post something of this tone on V-Day, so it's probably best that I don't go that route. My friends that I have left behind in my exile have already heard this straight from my mouth, but It's long past time I put in in writing.

My parents, my friends, and just about my entire family all ask me the same thing when they ask about my new Wyoming lifestyle: "What are the women like up there?" or "Have you found a girlfriend yet?" This is when I tell them about The Four M's.

The Four M's are four traits of All of the women in Southwestern Wyoming. These traits make any pontential relationship a deal breaker. Some fall under more than one, a few others fall under all four, but ALL of them, as far as I can tell, fall under at least one. They are:

  1. Married - You're sweet, you're wonderful, you're attractive! We enjoy the same things, like the same music, you're- wearing a ring on your finger... sigh.
  2. Mothers - I don't like to label all single mothers this way, but statistically, you're carrying some baggage from a previous relationship, not to mention another responsibility. Maybe it's my own self-centered ego talking, but I'm not ready to jump into a prefabricated family, and any romantic attention directed at me makes me suspect that you're looking for a new instrument of breadwinning, not a serious loving relationship. Maybe it's not you, but me, but that doesn't move you out from the stigma of the 2nd M.
  3. Minors - I'm 28 years old. Looking towards the local high school as a dating pool seems to make people want to call the police. Can't say I blame them. High school kids are also emotionally immature as well, so it's a moot point. I'll pass.
  4. Mormon - I'm not going on a tangent here about Mormon doctrine and beliefs right now, so I'll just leave it at this: If your religion explicitly forbids coffee, then I want nothing to do with your religion. That is all.
Much like the Beatles, this group has an unofficial 5th member. Even if someone dodges the odds, along with the 4 M's listed above, they will always without fail fall under the 5th M:
  • Mnuts - (The 'M' is silent in this case.)
So that's why I don't see my singleness ending anytime in the near future. But you know what? I'm just fine with that. I know and have known friends that have almost a symbiosis with being in a relationship. It's almost as they think of a relationship as a litmus test of their self worth. I've always thought it was pretty sad myself. Sarah looks like she's recently come to terms with that, and I'm happy for her.

Sometimes, I think it might be nice to meet that Someone that will change my life. I consider getting back into the Game... then suddenly, one of my friends' relationships will crater, complete with acrid smoke and jagged emotions. This is when I take a breath, think "Glad that's not me!" and return back into a state of blissful singleness. I'm having fun, because I knew it all along, that I'd be better off without you.

HEY! That's a song cue if I ever heard one! Bring on the Clarks!


Tiffany said...

You will note that your sister has NEVER asked this impertinent question.

Fuzzy said...

I was almost going to mention that in the main post, but decided not to.

My sister, who is friggin' AWESOME, as never asked me that.

Sarah said...

Relatives who don't pressure you on the dating issue ARE awesome ...
And then there are your mom's friends who pull you to the side at a dinner and say: "Don't worry ... you've still got time."
"Time for what?" you innocently ask.
"Time to have children, of course!"
And then you conveniently discover that you desperately need more coffee and hurry to the other side of the room ...

Fuzzy said...

Two ways to deal with parents grilling you for a time or date as to when they can expect grandchildren:

First Way - "We'll, lets take a drive down the the school during recess. Just point to one you like, and I'll grab it for ya!" (That was from a former coworker)

Second Way - "Good news, Mom! Your going to be a grandmother! Allen and I are flying to China to pick her up next week!"

Holly Brennan said...

Let me stroke your ego just a sec....I DID follow the plug on the Stuff Christians Like singles post. And I read it. And I laughed.

Ahhh.....good categories.

@Sarah ... I like your comment there. I think that my best retorts go to my mom.

We were at Walmart, and happened to be passing the baby section. She got that funny look on her face. "I can't wait to go shopping for grandbabies..."

I just looked at her.

"Well, mom, grandbabies are easy to come by. It's the son-in-law that's hard to find."

She turned a little pale.

You know, she hasn't said a word about grandbabies in a looooong time.

Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

Much, much later, I also followed your comment from the "Stuff Christians Like" singles post. See how things on the internet live on... and on?

I loved the Four Ms, and I think they work, with a little adjustment, for men too. Here goes:

1. Married. Yeah, pretty much always.

2. Mothers. Ok, this one took a little adjustment, but I think it still works, in two ways. The first possibility is that he's a little childish and wants you to be his mother. Sadly common. The second possibility is that he sees you only as a future mother--what have your ovaries done for me lately? As a woman who very much wants to adopt in lieu of having biological children, the second interpretation of this does bother me more than some women.

3) Minors. I'm working on a PhD, and I'm in a college town. On the occasion that there are nice young men at church, they are 22. I'm getting a little too old (26) for this to be appropriate. I actually think guys have it a little easier in this respect.

4) Mormon. Well, there aren't too many around here. Or they're married.

5) Mnuts. Amen!!! I really loved this one.

Great list and thanks for the laugh! Hope you're enjoying Wyoming.