Follow Up on my New Computer

One year after I really wanted to, I finally replaced my Laptop with the Glowy Blue Beast Box for my primary computer. Take a moment to stare at The Awesomeness:

Oooooh, pretty!

So, what did I do first? Well, let's go through the list chronologically:

1. Connect to the Internet
2. Got Microsoft.com to order my free upgrade to Windows 7
3. Installed Zone Alarm
4. Played a game of Pox Nora (a game that's not graphically intense, and STILL manages to send my laptop's CPU into overdrive, overheating, and forced shutdown)
5. Downloaded Microsoft's free anti-virus utility recommended by a coworker.
6. Attempted to install aforementioned tool, installer froze and the process had to be killed
7. Succeeded installation of tool, another freeze-up and kill episode on updating it
8. Curse Microsoft
9. Attempted to install one of them new-fangled MMORPG thingies that are all the rage with the kids these days. The installer freezes and locks up, much like the Anti-Virus tool.
10. Repeat previous step 4-5 times; curse Microsoft
11. Begin to suspect that the ZoneAlarm program mentioned in step 3 was having difficulty on a 64-bit system, being a 32-bit progam and all.
12. Uninstall ZoneAlarm, reboot, subsequent attempts to install MMORPG and run Anti-Virus are successful
13. Sheepishly recant curses directed at Microsoft
14. Played through the Eve-Online Tutorial. Remembers how it feels to be impressed by Good Graphics.

And so, the adventure continues. I'm going to have to hook up this laser printer too, and see how that action works.
So, between the myriad PC games that are now open to me, the next Wheel of Time book that came out two days ago, and the fact that I just got another coworker addicted to another old hobby of mine (he was an easy sell) My leisure time is booked until further notice. At least it's getting cold now, so I have a good excuse to stay indoors all day! :-)

Time for an Upgrade

Last year, I purchased a low-end Laptop computer because I didn't want to drag my old Dell across the country when I had plans to replace it as soon as possible anyway. This little laptop was meant to be sort of a transitional machine; meant only to fill in the gap between the Move and the time when I would get a new high end desk top to run all of my important applications.

It's been a year since then, and I'm still using the laptop, as it fulfills my need for the intarwebs, and I've purchased a PS3 and a PS2 to run my critical software. So I've been putting off the purchase of the Super Box for a while now. But one of my best friends decided he needed some more cohorts on his favorite MMORPGs, and he gave to me an extra copy that he had, with the hopes I'd install it and play it. Sadly, this laptop has no graphics acceleration, which means everything I'd try to run on it would go into slide show mode. A lot of machines are fast enough to use use the system RAM to run older games, but because this was meant to be a temporary machine (and because I hadn't yet loosened the fiscal restrictions of my previous job) I had purchased a Windows Vista machine with only 1GB RAM. enough to run the OS and a few apps (Browser, Instant Messenger, Email, Music Player, etc.) but didn't have enough to spare otherwise.

So now, I'm looking to cash out my New-Computer-Slush-Fund that's been slowly accumulating for most of this year so I can finally play this MMORPG, World of something or other. I dunno, all the kids are talking about it, and I think some kinda new add on was released just today; something about a Monarch and his Angry Lichen, or some nonsense.

Anyhow, this will be the first mid-to-high end computer I've purchased since I blew all of my High School Graduation Money on an IBM Aptiva with 64MB RAM, and 450MHz of blazing speed. (Remember, that was respectable in the Summer of 1999.) Now, with the advice of Co-workers who build machines for family and friends as a source of supplemental income, I'm looking to spend between one and two grand on a machine that will still play the latest games run my life enhancement applications with little performance slowdown within the next 2-3 years. I've been told I can have such a machine for under $1,000, (search around on Newegg) but I'll also need to buy a monitor as well (a big reason why the old Dell didn't make the move is because I didn't want to lug that HUUUGE Cathode Ray Tube with me).

So, I'm open to suggestions, with these two caveats:

1. Tiffany, Tom, you can keep your damned Kool-Aid, I'm not joining the Mac Panthers.
2. If you're about to recommend that I build my own, then you should read this first.

Give me your wisdom, oh vast Hive Mind of the 'Tubes!

UPDATE: I usually don't like deleting people comments, but when they are posted with BLATANT DISREGARD with the only two caveats I listed in this post, I terminate with extreame Prejudice. Try again, Laedelas.

Like Brain Surgery, But With Less Fluids

"You should just build your own computer. It'll save you a bunch of money."

"Build it from Scratch, you'll get exactly what you want that way."

"Pre-built computers are for soccer moms and the technically illiterate. Build it yourself."

I hear this crap all the time. Building your own computer is not worth the time and trouble it takes to get it to work. Consider the case of Tim Buckley of Ctrl-Alt-Delete. He has a lot of experience with this, and still has a gnarled mass of headaches because of it.

The way I see it, Gearheads are a lot like Hardware Nerds. Gearheads like to rebuild that'64 Shelby Cobra from scratch because it's their idea of a good time. They have the mechanical skill, knowlegde and patience to make their dream a reality. The rest of us can't understand why someone would willingly spend an afternoon covered in grease under an eviscerated car. When they could just go to a dealership, sign some papers, and drive off the lot with a late model vehicle. I'm one of those people just doesn't understand. But the gearhead has a hobby that gives him joy, and would scoff at my hint that the local Chevy dealer is offering 0% financing this month. That's fine.

Alternately, if the gearhead tells me that I should build it from scratch, becuase I can get the exact Gearbox, Engine Block, and exhaust system I wanted, I'd tell him that I just need something that gets from Point A to Point B without exploding or burning too much gas. I don't care who makes the gearbox or pistons, as long as they all work in harmony with each other when I turn the ignition.

Likewise, I don't care much if Intel or AMD makes my processors, as long as they make the Blue Smoke Happy. I'm not particularly concerned what chip set my Graphics accelerator utilizes, as long as it can render the Stubble on a Space Marine's Face while maintaining at least 30 Frames per second, preferably 60. In general, just give me the biggest, fastest, sleekest components that's in my budget, using a recent First Person Shoot game as a benchmark (except for Crysis, which wrecked the curve something awful).

You guys go right ahead and and painstakingly handpick your motherboards, sound cards, and cooling system. Heck, even I'll upgrade memory or insert a PCI card; that's fairly simple. But everything else is fanboy territory as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to build it any further than plugging in the peripherals and power, and pressing the On button.

MS Access 2007: Open Your Heart to the Database

I haven't had a very thorough look at the new version of Microsoft Access yet, because being a good IT professional, I prefer to use Big Boy database management software. But on the surface it does look like they managed to make it easier to use and update tables. But their security protocols caught my eye. In the old days, you'd grant permissions to files, folders, and tables and such to allow some or all of the users to add, modify, delete, or pervert your data. MS Access dresses that up a little differently by calling this interface...

♥☺ The Trust Center ☺♥

I'd expect this kind of wishy-washy feel-good drivel from Apple, who's kinder, gentler approach to computer hardware and software has turned out quite profitable, but I thought Microsoft was above this stuff.

I began to visualize the full implimentation of this, where to Access the files, you have to turn around and let yourself fall backwards into the strong loving arms of your workstation, or walk blindfolded to your desk while Access calls out directions in a sweet musical voice, kinda like GlaDOS singing Still Alive.

But the problem comes when you accidentally compromise the database and you have to restore from backup. I wonder if Access could forgive that. After the restoration, could it as easily trust you to access its tender data again? A user might find himself locked out of the Database, and when the Admin tries to put him back in the Trust Center a diolouge box pops up: "Error: I just don't think I can trust this user again after he broke my heart."

Not to mention the possiblity of a complete network lock out while the database curls up on its server crying while shoving Ben and Jerry's into its ports. "How could he?? I let him into my Trust Center, and he abused it!" Eventually, Access gets rid of everything belonging to this user and deletes it, because these things reminds it of him. All his Seether MP3s? Gone. Those snapshots of the database just before the Server Migration? Gone. All the user manuals on PDF files for that skank, Oracle? deleted, and repartitioned that storage. It would always be ugly to have to deal with this at every errant update.

The risk of this just reinforces my believe that Access should be passed over for serious database work. It just has too much baggage. Anyway, I look forward to viewing the comments from the indignant Mac users who percieve a slight for suggesting that they like their computers to be cute and cuddly.

Surfing the Web...

...in a different context.

Lessons from the Help Desk

At our company, the newer IT staff take 1 week rotations on help desk. They kind of throw you in the water to teach you how to swim, so I end up picking up a lot of new information. Most importantly, I learned about the inner workings of computer chips, including the heart of the device.

Transistors? Integrated circuts? Capaciotors? All nessicary support parts, but the most important component of all...

Blue Smoke.

First discovered in an ancient Aztec well in a 1914 excavation, this rare substance was found to have unique conductive properties that eventually let to the deveolopment of the ENIAC; the blue smoke was used in the vaccum tubes. All 17,000+ of them. Interestingly, the value of the Smoke itself is almost dwarved by the expense of the process of trapping it in the component. The ENIAC project had it's budget tripled over the course of 4 years, a bill that tax payers are still footing today.

During the development of the ENIAC, the secret of the Blue Smoke was heavily guarded as the Manhattan Project, then kept classified throughout the 80's, up until the end of The Cold War. Since then, the private sector has improved on mining, transporting, and injecting the Smoke, lowering the cost of computers dramatically. The particulars of the process are still closely held trade secrets of Intel and AMD, so most of the finer details of the mining and injection equipment is still unknown, save for a few unsubstantiated rumors floating around on the Internet.

Today, when a chip or processor is made, the last thing the manufacturer does is inject a small dose of Blue Smoke into it before sealing it off. Electronic current run through the pins excites the blue smoke, sending 'happy' signals through the bus, making your computer work. OK, it's a little more complex than that, but after the the signals leave the processor, it's all bottom level logic, 1's and 0's, blah blah blah.

Under normal conditions these chips can last for years, even decades. But stress from overclocking and poor maintenance can cause the smoke to swell, and causes the the plastic on the chip to soften and split, letting the Blue Smoke escape. Although the equipment used to inject the Smoke, while it has become cheaper and more energy efficient in the past 50 years, it's still far too sophisticated and costly for consumer use, so once you burn out the chips or processor and let the Blue Smoke escape, your machine is rendered useless. You're better off buying a new device, rather than paying to have the smoke re-injected.

So the next time you see a bluish smoke pouring from the back of your computer, know that you are looking at the greatest innovation of the 20th century as it makes its final escape from your once mighty electronics.

A Fond Farewell to my Secondhand Dell

Hey, that title rhymed without even trying!

Anyway, as I make the final preparations for this move, I have decided that my Dell computer, donated to me by my sister after she joined the Cult of Apple, would not make the move.

Most people only replace computers when they breakdown, make the BIG crash, other electronic cataclysms occur. If I waited that long, I'd be saddled with this thing for a loooong time, I think. No, this was a good machine that just got outpaced by the resource creep of all the applications and just couldn't keep up, tossing out low virtual memory warnings every hour or so. I could hear it's groans, like an old coot complaining about those damn kids on his lawn.

"256MB to run THIS?!? Back in my day, we did our werd processin', our emailin' and our web surfin' all on 64MB, and still had enough fer runnin' Quake 3! You young apps have no idea how to manage yer mem'ry!"

"Gawd, another service pak update? How come evry' time you find another one of 'em security flaws, it costs me more of my clock cycles?"

"I don't care what your hoodlum freinds are doin'! You ain't leavin this house without a 3.5 inch floppy drive! Any file that fancies itself to be more than 1.44MB can't be up to no good anyway!"

"If God had meant for us to read DVDs, he'd have wired it in with the CD-R! If the PS2 jumped off a bridge, would you do the same?"

"Lordy, you new LCD monitors are too damned skinny! Eat somethin' fer Crissake!"

I'm typing this from my new laptop, it's low end, but it's 2007 low end, which runs circles around 2001 mid-tier computers. I just transferred all necessary documents and files to it (and it still has room for so much more!), tomorrow morning I'm vaporizing its hard drives, and donating it to Goodwill. It's still good enough for them to refurbish it, and sell to a low income family that needs Internet access, or to some adventurous grandma that wants to see what exactly is this Internet thing that her grandkids keep jabbering about. I hope it will serve them well, for it has reached the end of it's usefulness for me.

Godspeed, my bulky sluggish friend!